In the beginning

The Lord works in mysterious ways and so do I. Do not attempt to understand why this is posted under the name of "Ethan" since to do so questions me and in turn everything holy that I am probably closer to than you. That said, I will begin my beginning sermon which is about the true beginning of the Universe and not the incomplete version in that incomplete book that shares its name with a basketball player.

As suddenly as sinners suffer smiting, time began. At the beginning of time, there was nothing besides the Lord and a gigantic diamond ring. To fully comprehend the size of the ring, one must spend considerable time making complex computations when that time could be better spent doing the bidding of the Lord. More on that later. If thou art unable to accept that he ring was ginormous beyond they understanding, thou art a condemned heretic. Thou art not a condemned heretic, art thou?
The Lord admired the ring, but the Lord eventually tired of loving something that would not return his affection and decided to create something new that would admire the ring. Using awesome alchemy skills, the Lord set aside a small part of the ring to become a two Karat diamond and blasted the rest of the gold and carbon molecules - please note the scientific terminology thou intelligent design hating sinners - and rearranged them to make the stars and the godforsaken other planets that are not worth wasting the government's money on telescopes Hubble or otherwise to look at. Then the Lord destroyed one large planet and used the elements to create the Earth with plenty of molecules left over for further creating. Then the Lord saw that more work would be required to find an admirer for the diamond so the Lord created the oceans, but that only made it easier for the Lord to create plants, which he did. The plants had no brains and thus could not love, so the Lord created the fish and birds and fossils and wild animals and then didn't give the diamond to any of them lest it get eaten and even though a new diamond could easily be made it had sentimental value. Then, for the Lord was young and full of energy, he created Adam and gave him the diamond, but Adam did not take long to lose the diamond. Then the Lord created Eve to find the diamond but didn't actually take a rest after that because the Lord never rests. Take heed, sinners!
Thus it has been explained why diamonds are in fact forever and why it is rather offensive to not only thy beloved if thou purchaseth a cubic zirconium for a special occasion but to thy creator as well. Just because the Lord has never expressed his divine discontent over thy snub to thine unworthy self does not mean that the Lord art not offended. The Lord simply doesn't talk to you.

Take heed of the wisdom imparted upon you this day and if thou hast not a reason to purchase diamonds it would be the right thing to do to donate to the ministry of Bollocks.