When Sloth Is Not Sinful

Let it be known that more often than not, sloth be a damnable sin. That is why, along with the subtle pro-evolution insinuation involved, it is completely unacceptable to hang upside down from monkey bars. It is also wrong to be lazy, unless thou art a holy man like myself who art blessed no matter what he doeth, but there art exceptions even if thou hast no reason to deserve special treatment.
Thou mayest remember from an earlier sermon how it has been said that the lord loveth diamonds and through logical reasoning - once again doubters I do know how to use logic - the lord loveth those who purchaseth diamonds. In the capitalistic society which the Lord in his infinite wisdom hath made the USA, in order to purchase diamonds thou must be in possession of money. Therefore, if thou canst earn money through sloth then sloth is no longer a sin.
Thy teachers wouldst have thee believe that it is impossible to turn profits without mental or physical activity, but their heads are not in space. NASA, the noble organization dedicated to locating the home planet of the lord so that we may know him better, hath announced their intention to pay someone seventeen thousand dollars, or enough to buy a divine diamond, for someone to be slothful for three months to see what happens. As well intentioned as they may be, NASA is not mindful of the fact that although the Lord will usually punish a body for the sin of extreme sloth, when the laziness is for the sake of money then the slothful body will emerge from its sedentary state as vital as it had ever been because of the Lord's blessing. Therefore, NASA need only worry about the health of its astronauts if the mission is not pleasing to the Lord.
If they are unsure regarding the holiness of the expedition, NASA may ask me and I shall giveth my flawless opinion as long as capital enters my bank account as a result.

Eating Liver Is an Abomination

For Lo, is it not said that the liver is the septic tank of the mammalian anatomy and thus unfit for human consumption? The answer to that rhetorical question is that yes, it is said in my Book of Bollocks which shall be regarded as the gospel truth to all those who deserve salvation once it is completed and published. Not only is it said in that brilliant book-to-be, but the truth is explained and expanded upon as I shall presently doeth.

In this world of sinners, there are some that try to compensate for their sins by avoiding mildly unclean food. Perchance it spent its life on the ocean floor as shall be the fate of certain nonbelievers, or mayhaps it hath rolled around in the mud too frequently for their tastes. Mud and ocean floor art like mine own spotless conscience compared to the filth of the liver. All organs are sinful on the plate - the similar pronunciations of organ and Oregon, the state of dirty hippies - is no coincidence and the liver is dirtiest of them all. Wouldst thou drink toilet water and expect the respect of a God who does not give out respect like fraternity brothers gave out beer to my mother? Thou wouldst not, so why invoke greater wrath by eating a filthy piece of meat that is not even delicious?

The goal in life of the believer is deliverance, is it not? How canst thou be delivered if thou puttest liver in thy body? It maketh no sense.

Politics or Heretics?

Last night, I watched the television hoping to witness a passionate war of words during what the liberal media media called the "Democratic Primary Debate" or something boring like that. I should have known better - and maybe I did and just watched it for a source of outrage - because that debate was boring. Where was the competitive spirit? Did Jesus say that his way was the best way but it's cool if you followed the teachings of John the Baptist instead as long as you don't worship at the altar of Melchoroth the Devourer of Hope? No he did not, and if the Bible says otherwise may the Lord strike me homeless. This abominable relative civility that they displayed shows that if either is elected president then they will not be able to convince incorrigible holy warriors that it is possible to be a hateful crusader on the American side as well and that way they won't have to deal with six dozen McLovins after their mission is in fact complete. If we can't win over the hateful minds of the Iraqi people then they will come to America through the underprotected south border and force us to stop eating pigs. I will not stand for this and neither should you.

Both candidates claim to be people of faith, but is their faith the right kind? No, it is not. Hillary Clinton has faith in the health care system helping everyone no matter how sinful they are and the health care system is not going to do anything to reward her faith because they rightly prefer to make money through overcharging people for a service that they are afraid to refuse. There is a disturbingly large group of people that worship something that can't do anything to help them. That group is called pagans. Zeus art not going to do anything for you because Zeus art not real outside of thy imagination and the only reason thou knowest about him is due to liars from ancient times. Is the connection between Clinton and Zeus the false god coincidental? I thinketh not. As for Obama's faith in change, what can that due for you? A stick of gum? Maybe a candy bar if thou hast collected a lot of it? I liken the faith of Obama to worship of random people walking down the street, and while it art not pure paganism it art ridiculous and heretical.

Lo! Do not take these denunciations as a reason to support John McCain. For he art old. In ancient times men of his age may have been fathering children on a consistent basis but that was before the Lord invented artherosclerosis to limit procreation by old men and thus prevent any need for the abominable practice of procreation. With the blood flow issues affecting aging Americans they are no longer as capable of consistent thought as one needs to be to rule the most powerful country in the world. Therefore, my recommendation is to write in Gregory Bollocks, which is my name, as your choice for the next president of the USA. Sure you may have no proof of my existence outside of some things that were written down, but that has never stopped people of faith from believing before and it should not now.

I will end this sermon with a blessing dedicated to the prominent presidential candidates. May the Lord bless you and keep you away from the Oval Office so I can be there instead. Amen.

Soriano's Comeuppance

All should know this fact because following baseball with a religious fervor is not heretical because athletes are not false idols - they are quite real and even if their skills were obtained dishonestly their talents are legitimate - but in case you don't know I shall use this virtual pulpit to inform you that Alfonso Soriano who art overrated much like Revelation is overrated in the fearmongering industry hath injured his calf muscle this rendering him completely unworthy of mortal-worship for the time being. His capabilities regarding the holy homer and the sacred steal and no more for the time being, and I shall tell you why.

The first reason is that he had it coming to him for belonging to the Chicago Cubs which art a pagan organization engaged in a bizarre and unclean relationship with a goat. Baseball players are at least talented and thus worthy of mortal-worship and goats are worthy of nothing except discarded card parts. Paganism is nothing if not the worship of the undeserving, and thus all Cubs and their followers are pagans and thus condemned to intense eternal boredom unless they repent and switch their allegiance to a team more pleasing to the Lord such as the Tampa Bay Rays.

The second reason for the demise of Soriano is what the pagan ancient greeks call hubris. Does he not know how unpleasing is is to the lord to trademark an action? Buddy Holly had the Holly Hiccup, and those who art not ignorant know how his arrogance destroyed the careers of Richie Valens and JP Richardson while launching the less deserving career of Bobby Vee. Soriano is fortunate to have escaped with a mere calf strain from his heretical hopping and not permanent brain damage from a line drive to the head.

Finally, Alfonso Soriano hast not given a cent to Bollocks Ministries and while the Lord may know that it is not yet possible to donate the vengeful one also knows that Soriano was not going to donate a cent even if the paypal donation button had been set up. All those who do not give to me must be prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Such are my teachings for today. Take them to heart and spread the word of my virtual pulpit and you may be forgiven for thy lack of generosity.

In the beginning

The Lord works in mysterious ways and so do I. Do not attempt to understand why this is posted under the name of "Ethan" since to do so questions me and in turn everything holy that I am probably closer to than you. That said, I will begin my beginning sermon which is about the true beginning of the Universe and not the incomplete version in that incomplete book that shares its name with a basketball player.

As suddenly as sinners suffer smiting, time began. At the beginning of time, there was nothing besides the Lord and a gigantic diamond ring. To fully comprehend the size of the ring, one must spend considerable time making complex computations when that time could be better spent doing the bidding of the Lord. More on that later. If thou art unable to accept that he ring was ginormous beyond they understanding, thou art a condemned heretic. Thou art not a condemned heretic, art thou?
The Lord admired the ring, but the Lord eventually tired of loving something that would not return his affection and decided to create something new that would admire the ring. Using awesome alchemy skills, the Lord set aside a small part of the ring to become a two Karat diamond and blasted the rest of the gold and carbon molecules - please note the scientific terminology thou intelligent design hating sinners - and rearranged them to make the stars and the godforsaken other planets that are not worth wasting the government's money on telescopes Hubble or otherwise to look at. Then the Lord destroyed one large planet and used the elements to create the Earth with plenty of molecules left over for further creating. Then the Lord saw that more work would be required to find an admirer for the diamond so the Lord created the oceans, but that only made it easier for the Lord to create plants, which he did. The plants had no brains and thus could not love, so the Lord created the fish and birds and fossils and wild animals and then didn't give the diamond to any of them lest it get eaten and even though a new diamond could easily be made it had sentimental value. Then, for the Lord was young and full of energy, he created Adam and gave him the diamond, but Adam did not take long to lose the diamond. Then the Lord created Eve to find the diamond but didn't actually take a rest after that because the Lord never rests. Take heed, sinners!
Thus it has been explained why diamonds are in fact forever and why it is rather offensive to not only thy beloved if thou purchaseth a cubic zirconium for a special occasion but to thy creator as well. Just because the Lord has never expressed his divine discontent over thy snub to thine unworthy self does not mean that the Lord art not offended. The Lord simply doesn't talk to you.

Take heed of the wisdom imparted upon you this day and if thou hast not a reason to purchase diamonds it would be the right thing to do to donate to the ministry of Bollocks.