Soriano's Comeuppance

All should know this fact because following baseball with a religious fervor is not heretical because athletes are not false idols - they are quite real and even if their skills were obtained dishonestly their talents are legitimate - but in case you don't know I shall use this virtual pulpit to inform you that Alfonso Soriano who art overrated much like Revelation is overrated in the fearmongering industry hath injured his calf muscle this rendering him completely unworthy of mortal-worship for the time being. His capabilities regarding the holy homer and the sacred steal and no more for the time being, and I shall tell you why.

The first reason is that he had it coming to him for belonging to the Chicago Cubs which art a pagan organization engaged in a bizarre and unclean relationship with a goat. Baseball players are at least talented and thus worthy of mortal-worship and goats are worthy of nothing except discarded card parts. Paganism is nothing if not the worship of the undeserving, and thus all Cubs and their followers are pagans and thus condemned to intense eternal boredom unless they repent and switch their allegiance to a team more pleasing to the Lord such as the Tampa Bay Rays.

The second reason for the demise of Soriano is what the pagan ancient greeks call hubris. Does he not know how unpleasing is is to the lord to trademark an action? Buddy Holly had the Holly Hiccup, and those who art not ignorant know how his arrogance destroyed the careers of Richie Valens and JP Richardson while launching the less deserving career of Bobby Vee. Soriano is fortunate to have escaped with a mere calf strain from his heretical hopping and not permanent brain damage from a line drive to the head.

Finally, Alfonso Soriano hast not given a cent to Bollocks Ministries and while the Lord may know that it is not yet possible to donate the vengeful one also knows that Soriano was not going to donate a cent even if the paypal donation button had been set up. All those who do not give to me must be prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Such are my teachings for today. Take them to heart and spread the word of my virtual pulpit and you may be forgiven for thy lack of generosity.