Politics or Heretics?

Last night, I watched the television hoping to witness a passionate war of words during what the liberal media media called the "Democratic Primary Debate" or something boring like that. I should have known better - and maybe I did and just watched it for a source of outrage - because that debate was boring. Where was the competitive spirit? Did Jesus say that his way was the best way but it's cool if you followed the teachings of John the Baptist instead as long as you don't worship at the altar of Melchoroth the Devourer of Hope? No he did not, and if the Bible says otherwise may the Lord strike me homeless. This abominable relative civility that they displayed shows that if either is elected president then they will not be able to convince incorrigible holy warriors that it is possible to be a hateful crusader on the American side as well and that way they won't have to deal with six dozen McLovins after their mission is in fact complete. If we can't win over the hateful minds of the Iraqi people then they will come to America through the underprotected south border and force us to stop eating pigs. I will not stand for this and neither should you.

Both candidates claim to be people of faith, but is their faith the right kind? No, it is not. Hillary Clinton has faith in the health care system helping everyone no matter how sinful they are and the health care system is not going to do anything to reward her faith because they rightly prefer to make money through overcharging people for a service that they are afraid to refuse. There is a disturbingly large group of people that worship something that can't do anything to help them. That group is called pagans. Zeus art not going to do anything for you because Zeus art not real outside of thy imagination and the only reason thou knowest about him is due to liars from ancient times. Is the connection between Clinton and Zeus the false god coincidental? I thinketh not. As for Obama's faith in change, what can that due for you? A stick of gum? Maybe a candy bar if thou hast collected a lot of it? I liken the faith of Obama to worship of random people walking down the street, and while it art not pure paganism it art ridiculous and heretical.

Lo! Do not take these denunciations as a reason to support John McCain. For he art old. In ancient times men of his age may have been fathering children on a consistent basis but that was before the Lord invented artherosclerosis to limit procreation by old men and thus prevent any need for the abominable practice of procreation. With the blood flow issues affecting aging Americans they are no longer as capable of consistent thought as one needs to be to rule the most powerful country in the world. Therefore, my recommendation is to write in Gregory Bollocks, which is my name, as your choice for the next president of the USA. Sure you may have no proof of my existence outside of some things that were written down, but that has never stopped people of faith from believing before and it should not now.

I will end this sermon with a blessing dedicated to the prominent presidential candidates. May the Lord bless you and keep you away from the Oval Office so I can be there instead. Amen.